Perhaps you are feeling like you are trapped in an unbearable and unsatisfying marriage! Are you desperate to understand how things got so bad in your marriage with the person you thought you loved?
This claustrophobic feeling of being trapped is called the “crisis perspective.” Since you are here in search of help to break out of the feeling of being trapped so that you can save your marriage and make it better, the helpful effects of a positive attitude concerning your marriage will be the topic of focus.
You can save your marriage by seeing the big picture, using your crisis instinct for “good,” determining the causes and solutions of marriage problems, and using effective communication. For the sake of fixing the problems, let us look at how the marriage has deteriorated so that we can have a beginning point for building it back up.
How did the Marriage Come to the Point of Divorce?
Somewhere along the way complacency, boredom, and resentment towards each other took hold of your marriage. As a result, you have been drifting towards relational shipwreck with your spouse. Perhaps, all that you can see and feel is dread concerning the marriage, how difficult the relationship has become, and desperation to escape your feeling of being in prison. One or both of you in the marriage may have suggested or considered divorce as an option to solve your marriage problems.
As such, if you do not want a divorce, then the prospect of divorce could be a determining factor for your marriage crisis perspective. Therefore, there could be another way of looking at your crisis perspective. If you have a sense of panic, then this may indicate that you may not really want to pursue divorce as an option for solving this marriage crisis.
A Perspective Concerning the “Big Picture”
Success is refusal to give up under pressure, while learning from failures, and building on the success of each goal along the way. This perspective takes into account many factors concerning motive for beginning to accomplish a goal, as well as keeping the end goal in sight.
Marriage often has the goal in mind of happiness, companionship, satisfaction, support, and stability at the onset of the marriage. However, without a unifying vision the purpose of a relationship can be allowed to slip. Strongly identifiable marriage pressures, such as financial, work, and child rearing stress can take over the purpose of the marriage with harmful results. To combat this negative effect of stress, each marriage partner could find a purpose that allows him or her to “rise above” these stresses. Contributing his or her unique talents and abilities in a marriage that has a unifying vision allows husbands and wives to have the potential to “rise above it all.”
In each moment of marriage crisis, take a deep breath, mentally sweep aside any outside marriage pressure and decide to focus on a goal that both you and your spouse decided to accomplish. Also both you and your spouse could decide to establish a new vision for the marriage. That new vision for the marriage could be the very survival of the marriage. A focus on the combination of the qualitative desires of happiness, companionship, satisfaction, support, and stability with a focus on the overall vision for the marriage will allow you to escape from the “crisis perspective” in order to be able to focus on an inspirational “big picture” for the life of your marriage.
Use Your “Save Your Marriage” Instinct
If you use each “crisis instinct” constructively with good intentions, then it could become a valuable “save your marriage” instinct. It is with that in mind that I want to encourage you to neither ignore your instincts, nor give up on your marriage. You do not have to give up on the dreams you and your spouse made when you started your marriage. The key to making all of this a reality for you and your spouse depends on both of your willingness to make the necessary steps to identify, solve, and continue to improve on those things that got the marriage off-course.
Identify and solve the marriage problems
If divorce has been considered or not considered, it is important to determine which reasons for conflict and marriage problems have contributed to the crisis condition of your marriage. Some marriage problem suggestions include:
Becoming adversaries instead of loving partners
Living in two separate worlds with nothing in common
Losing the ability to communicate effectively
Losing the desire to communicate with each other
Losing the desire to be intimate together on a regular basis
Allowing family and outside stresses to interfere with the harmony of your marriage
Allowing child rearing commitment to replace the marriage commitment to each other
Marriage problems vary from one married couple to another. However, it is important to sit down with your spouse and write down all of your relevant marriage problems together. This will allow you to come up with possibly potential ways to solve these damaging marriage problems. It is important to be open to coming up with trying out various options and solutions to solving each problem. Once you have some firm strategies for solving problems in your married life, make a set schedule in your week to continue communication. Also, use these times as opportunities for making the needed changes, which could save the marriage.
Only deviate from the schedule if the process of solving your marriage problems causes a “flare-up” of anger and conflict. In that case, take a break from one another to cool-off with a new time scheduled to meet in order to finish the problem solving portion of your marriage restoration efforts. To prevent “flare-ups” of such conflict, it is advised that each partner in the marriage refrain from using accusatory statements. Instead only use statements that describe how you felt in and about a certain situation.
Also, these sessions should use open-discourse or open-ended communication that allows for respect of all statements and opinions. Open discourse allows for ongoing problem solving that you can use as a topic progresses and solutions are determined. In fact, these methods could make the marriage better than it had been in previous seasons of the marriage. The positive nature of this communication strategy should foster the creation and/or renewal of an intense passion for each other.
Understand the Benefits of a Having a Stable and Loving Marriage as a New Goal
While you begin to see positive changes in your relationship due to handling marriage problems together it is important to focus on improving the quality of your relationship. It is important to focus on experimenting on solutions for providing the best possible mutual satisfaction to each other in your marriage. Strengthening your ability to communicate should ensure that each of you will enjoy a greater emotional and physical sense of satisfaction within your marriage. This will make the concept of considering your marriage to be a lifelong bond between the two of you a much more completing and gratifying prospect to achieve in the future.
No matter how much the bitterness between you and your spouse seems intolerable or how difficult both of you find it is to live with each other be assured that there is hope to save your marriage. Don’t ignore your instinct to save your marriage and don’t give up on the dream the two of you started out with for the marriage.
Use a positive perspective concerning the big picture of your marriage as an inspirational tool that will help you reignite love, trust, and understanding so that you can conquer each and every marriage problem as a strong partnership. The two of you can become that strong partnership through caring understanding of each other, deciding to honor each other lovingly based on that understanding, and a daily will to fight for your marriage together.
The payoff of successfully saving your marriage should result in the prevention of allowing anger, frustration, and bitterness from taking over your marriage. The other side of the payoff should be expressed as a more intense passion for each other. After all, your marriage was taken to the brink of destruction and rebuilt to become a “built to last” marriage with a strong vision for the future.
Fixing a Troubled Marriage – Helpful Guide for Married Couples
Marriage is not always a bed of roses and couples may go through rough times. Troubles and conflicts are inevitable in a long-term relationship like marriage. It is not the absence of conflicts that makes the marriage last but it is the way you handle conflicts in your relationship. Is your marriage getting difficult and you are clueless on how to save your marriage? Fixing a troubled marriage takes a lot of effort from couples but it is not impossible to rescue a troubled relationship.
So what couples should know in fixing a troubled marriage?
Know the signs of a troubled relationship. In fixing a troubled marriage you have to acknowledge that your marriage is in trouble. Some couples are in denial that there are problems in their relationship that they pretend that things are still okay but in reality there is something wrong in the relationship. A troubled marriage has it signs and if you ignored those signs, you will wake up one day that you cannot take it anymore and the next thing you know is that your marriage is heading for divorce. Every marriage is unique but there are common signs that a marriage is in trouble such as withdrawing from each other, you don’t trust each other anymore, you don’t discuss or talk anymore about your problems, getting less intimate with each other, you no longer have fun together, you are happy when your spouse is not around, you don’t see eye to eye anymore on a lot of things, you fight a lot, you fight unfairly with each other, disagreements and misunderstandings are taking their toll, etc. Acknowledging that your marriage is in trouble is the first step in fixing a troubled marriage.
Take a deeper look on the issues in your marriage. In fixing a troubled marriage, it is important to learn the issues in your marriage to know what you can do about it. Couples sometimes see the problems in their marriage on the surface level and failed to dig deeper and discover the real problems in their relationship. It is important to reconnect with your spouse and communicate regularly to see what is really wrong in your marriage. Instead of focusing on the tantrums or bad moods of your spouse, find the reasons behind those negative behaviors. There are many reasons why you are drifting apart such as lack of time with each other, unrealistic expectations, miscommunication, etc. Take time to learn the issues in your marriage if you want to succeed in fixing your troubled marriage.
Address the issues in your marriage and create workable solutions. In addressing the problems in your marriage, it is important that you and your spouse are on the same page and have the same commitment that you both want to save the marriage. The conversation may result to arguments but always remember to stick on the subject or on the issue being discussed. Create workable solutions and if you cannot see eye to eye on certain issues, try to make adjustments and compromise. With regards to your differences, if you cannot compromise, learn to peacefully agree to disagree and respect each other’s decision.
Fight fair. In fixing a troubled marriage, it is inevitable for couples to argue or fight with each other. If you need to argue, remember to fight fair because you want to rescue your marriage. Do not let small things build up into something big that when one explodes it will lead to a big fight. That is not fair, what is fair is that you both discuss or argue on real-time basis but if it is not possible and the situation is too intense, let it pass for at least 24 hours and set a time to discuss the issue again. Fighting fair means the issues in your marriage are discussed just between the two of you, you don’t involve third parties like your in-laws, friends or your children. Stick on the subject that you need to talk or argue about and do not bring up past issues or baggage. No name calling, teasing, mocking or putting all the blame to your spouse. Remember that you are not fighting to win but you are fighting to fix the trouble in your marriage. Above all, be willing to apologize when you are at fault and be willing to forgive.
Seek help as soon as possible. Do not put aside the troubles in your marriage. Act now and do not wait till it is too late to save your marriage. Do not wait until your marriage is totally ruined and beyond repair. Marriage counseling, marriage help books and advice from people who are successful in their marriage are great resources in fixing a troubled marriage. Timing is important in fixing a troubled marriage. If you procrastinate or delay fixing your marriage, you cannot guarantee that things will still be repairable. Seek help as soon as possible if the conflicts in your marriage is too big for both of you to fix.
Make a commitment to work on your marriage every single day. The commitment of making the marriage work is important in fixing a troubled marriage. Making a promise to work on your marriage is giving a commitment that you will work things out with your spouse every single day. If you are determined to make the relationship work and last, it will happen. Having that commitment is honoring your vows that you will love each other for better or worse for the rest of your lives. If something is not working in your marriage using a certain method, it is time to try another method until the conflicts in your marriage are resolved. Look forward and not backwards because troubles in your marriage cannot be resolved if you keep bringing up past mistakes. Forgive each other and move on.
Fixing a troubled marriage is not easy but if you know what you are doing, nothing is impossible.
How to Save a Marriage in 5 Steps
Avoid Divorce and Find Happiness within the Marriage Again
You are searching for some different methods you can use to restore the affection, intimacy, and joy of your marriage again. You want to get back the happiness that seemed to surround the two of you when you began this journey together. You are saying to yourself, “I need to save my marriage.”
When you got married to your spouse two separate and somewhat different personalities, upbringings, and possibly different cultures were united. All marriage relationships go through incidences of conflict and disagreement because of the previously mentioned personal differences that are parts of your marriage.
If the marriage relationship becomes a perpetual-cycle of conflict and dysfunction, then the strain of the marriage problems stemming from bitterness may prove to be too overwhelming. The painful and harmful feelings stemming from the bitterness of the relationship may become too intolerable. You need some serious changes in your marriage to keep both of you from getting separated. Don’t let the marriage fade or worse yet become a divorce-war. A divorce often negatively affects the personal and social lives of both partners.
Available to you right now are five different ways to solve your marriage problems such as: misunderstandings, breakdowns in communication, lack of fulfillment, and loss of hope for the restoration of happiness and joy in your married life. There are marriage restoration steps that both of you can follow to solve these types of problems and save your marriage. If you ignore the marriage problems they will continue to spiral out of control.
Step 1: Agree that there are Major Problems in your Marriage
The first step to solve your marriage issues is to honestly admit and agree that the problems do exist. It will take communication and a decision to cooperate together fully in order to make any of these steps viable in your relationship. If your spouse is not interested in trying to save the marriage, then in order to influence your spouse in a positive way you could start using these methods. You will at least be able to improve your internal personal life, and you may be able to save your marriage all by yourself.
Step 2: Determine the Marriage Problems Alone
Separately, start this part of the process of determining both of your marriage problems and solutions. The next step will be worked on together, but this stage should be done on your own. Both of you should sit down separately, and write out your own list of the marriage problems from each of your own personal perspectives. Each of you putting in your own individual effort will prove to each other that both of you are serious about doing each of your parts to save the marriage. When engaging in this activity each of you should try to use the following as guidelines:
Gather facts about the marriage problems that you perceive
Make assumptions (based on making a true effort to learn about your spouse’s background, experiences, personality, and the marriage problem facts that you had gathered)
Come up with your own individual solutions to your assumptions
Step 3: Have Meetings to Determine the Marriage Problems and Solutions Together
The next step to help save your marriage in crisis from divorce is to sit down cordially together with the aim of determining the marriage problems both of you agree need to be worked on together. Come together to open-up and share your individual solutions using respectful two-way communication that allows each spouse’s individual solution to a particular marriage problem to be fully listened to and considered. If your communication together is not clear and/or forthcoming, then look out for subtle hints each of you will leave.
Use a peaceful, back-and-forth communication style
Next, determine together which of your individual problems have caused the marriage to suffer, such as life decision differences, lack of intimacy, abuse, work and home stress, and/or unfaithfulness
When describing a grievance, always use statements that describe how you felt instead of blaming your spouse for what transpired
If the conversation turns into an argument, then agree to take a break apart from each other until both of you are calmed down and ready to continue peacefully
Brainstorm and write down all of the most important marriage problems you both are feeling and sharing
Allow the conversation on how to solve the agreed upon problems to become a fusion of better ideas built upon each idea both of you share. Continue to do this until you both agree on the solutions you will take as marriage saving goals
Follow through on accomplishing those goals together, and hold each other respectfully accountable for each doing his or her own part
Step 4: Get Sound Advice
It is important to seek sound advice from close friends and family who truly care about you and know the two of you best. Expert books and counseling can give you options, suggestions, and help both of you in the process of coming to terms together. It can help each of you understand how to make the relationship work from both of your perspectives. Always evaluate any advice you get to see if it will work well for you and your spouse. Following one “bad apple” suggestion could spoil your marriage saving efforts, so be careful!
Step 5: Rekindle the Marriage
The perfect way to “lock-in” your efforts to save your marriage with your spouse is through reigniting your love for each other. The special, secret ingredients of marriage romance are surprises and assertive pursuit of each other and upfront honesty shared with each other. All of these aspects of romance that help build intimacy can be put into effect on a hot, candlelit date, playful displays of affection, and/or weekend getaways.
Honestly opening up to each other while you focus on “romancing-up” and saving your marriage is one of the best ways to rekindle a close marriage relationship together. Passionately getting to know each other all over again as the people you have now become will help seal the relationship building efforts you and your spouse are making together.
If you give each other plenty of time to follow all five marriage relationship restoring methods, then sooner or later both of you should be able to truly open-up and share your feelings. This process of restoring passion, purpose, and emotional connection should make your relationship strong with natural attraction. Work with determination to follow the five marriage saving methods by both of you accepting that the marriage needs to be fixed; determining the marriage problems together, getting sound advice, and romantically pursuing each other. Working together to accomplish these five methods should help both of you re-establish passion for each other.
If both of you face many obstacles along the way when you are trying to fix the relationship, then you can take a break from your marriage saving responsibilities to take a breather. However, no matter how difficult it may become to communicate with each other or to deal with outside pressures do not allow those thing to keep you from getting back together to work on the marriage. Also, do not allow them to distract both of you from achieving your goals. If you think that re-ordering these steps would work best for saving your marriage, then accomplish these steps in whichever order both of you decide to take. You can have many options in your marriage saving efforts. If both of you decide that surrendering the marriage is not an option, then you will come out the other side happier for all the effort.
Saving My Marriage: How to Communicate the 4 Kinds of Love
Marriage Success Factors and Music Band Analogy
Why do some great marriages and some music bands break-up? Both band members and married couples can make incredible music together, at first. For married couples, making-music together relates to the metaphorical adage, “they sure do make beautiful music together.” The creativity produced from just one dynamic pairing of creative and caring partners can produce volumes of beautiful music that fills the air with the full range of emotions, rhythm, (heart) beat, and harmony (metaphorically speaking). Truth is, many marriage relationships at first have the same beautiful dynamic as a duet group.
The similarity between a successful long-running marriage and a successful long-running music band (of any genre) is that the continued meshing of sound, emotions, and individual personalities require trust, communication, cooperation, and creativity. These qualities complement each other because they can be used to be a part of a shared vision. This shared vision between marriage partners can give be a driving force for stability and relationship in the marriage. That is how some music bands and marriages alike are classic, timeless, and still “grooving together” after all these years!
However, you have found this article because you are in search of answers to one of the deepest of emotional questions a person can ask themselves, “Why is my marriage breaking-up, and what can I do to save it?”
Saving My Marriage By Determining What Went Wrong
If the beautiful music made by you and your spouse is fading, then something must have happened between the honeymoon and the marriage relationship’s last devastating issue that has caused it to be in a crisis. The point here is that a marriage relationship is most often effected by negative pressures that either make the two marriage partners bond closer together or drift further apart. The negative effects that are an indication that both of you are drifting further apart are: the feeling that the marriage is no longer exciting, safe to be in, or worth the effort anymore.
To save your marriage, you must identify the negative pressures on the relationship and deal with them appropriately. It is important to do this because these pressures, whether they are work, child rearing, financial problems, cheating, and / or family upbringing differences can be the causes of the marriage problems. Dealing with these marriage pressures at the first opportunity is the first step to solving marriage problems.
Take the Time to Communicate Together
Taking the opportunity to work through one or many of these marriage pressures requires setting aside the time to communicate. Making the time to communicate together to work on resolving marriage pressures can itself be a way of restoring your marriage relationship.
Understand and Use All Four Greek Classifications for Love in Your Marriage
While you take time to communicate about resolving the pressures that are negatively effecting your marriage relationship, you can also use it as an opportunity to display the four different types of love. The four types of love were first classified by the ancient Greeks. The four types of love showcased in this article are the qualities that complement each other to build an equality and honor based marriage that is healthy and mutually beneficial. Such a marriage fosters the building of a shared vision that helps save the relationship from divorce. Such marriages are aptly capable of making beautiful music between the marriage partners.
“Agape means “love” (unconditional love) in modern-day Greek, such as in the term s’agapo, which means “I love you”. In Ancient Greek, it often refers to a general affection or deeper sense of “true love” rather than the attraction suggested by “eros“. Agape is used in the biblical passage known as the “love chapter”, 1 Corinthians 13, and is described there and throughout the New Testament as sacrificial love. Agape is also used in ancient texts to denote feelings for a good meal, one’s children, and the feelings for a spouse. It can be described as the feeling of being content or holding one in high regard” (Wikipedia: Greek Words for Love).
In order to have a healthy relationship with your spouse again, be open to as many opportunities to display love acts for your partner in a self-sacrificing manner. Furthermore, these displays of love become most beneficial to the marriage relationship when they are exhibited based on the concept of Agape love. Becoming familiar with the use of self-sacrificial love in your relationship will help you to perfect the other three forms of love discussed in this article in your marriage saving efforts. The purpose of framing all of your love efforts in a self-sacrificing manner is that doing so lends itself to a better-bonded marriage relationship.
A few ideas that you can use to display self-sacrificing love are: deciding to take any offense against yourself on the part of your spouse as an opportunity to replace your defensive reaction with an unconditionally patient request to find out why the spouse feels as such about you, forgiving said offense right-away, giving-up something that you like, in favor of doing what your spouse prefers to do, and especially deciding to focus on the needs of your spouse when your own needs could be focused on or demanded. Agape love is the key to making “beautiful music” together.
“Eros is passionate love, with sensual desire and longing. The Modern Greek word “erotas” means “intimate love;” however, eros does not have to be sexual in nature. Eros can be interpreted as a love for someone whom you love more than the philia, love of friendship. It can also apply to dating relationships as well as marriage” (Wikipedia: Greek Words for Love).
A few ideas that you can use to display erotic love in a self-sacrificing manner are: whispering sentimental words of erotic love that your spouse will appreciate, whispering erotic ideas that you already know interest your spouse, taking opportunities to lovingly touch your spouse in a way that arouses your spouse’s sensual pleasure, preparing a romantic environment in a way that your spouse can appreciate, and being open to work out any problems that prevent the sexual fulfillment of your spouse.
Working on eros love with your spouse in a self-sacrificing manner will not only work wonders to help your spouse reunite with you in your marriage relationship, it will cultivate the desire within your spouse to love you with a self-sacrificing Eros love as well. Self-Sacrificing Eros love is the way to make beautiful “physical music” together.
“Philia means friendship or brotherly love in modern Greek. It is a dispassionate virtuous love, a concept developed by Aristotle. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity. In ancient texts, philos denoted a general type of love, used for love between family, between friends, a desire or enjoyment of an activity, as well as between lovers” (Wikipedia: Greek Words for Love).
A few ideas that you can use to display philia love in a self-sacrificing manner are: find bonding activities that your spouse enjoys and being open to enjoy the activity personally (you can simply use this idea as an opportunity to just spend time with your spouse), engaging in open-ended communication of a confidential manner with your spouse, and then building trust through keeping said confidence with your spouse.
The reciprocal nature of self-sacrificing philia love will build the trust within your marriage relationship that will encourage your spouse to act in a self-sacrificing manner toward building a bond with you. That type of friendship within your marriage relationship is the way to make beautiful “relational music” together.
“Storge means “affection” in ancient and modern Greek. It is natural affection, like that felt by parents for offspring. Rarely used in ancient works, and then almost exclusively as a descriptor of relationships within the family. It is also known to express mere acceptance or putting up with situations, as in “loving” the tyrant” (Wikipedia: Greek Words for Love).
A few ideas that you can use to display storge love in a self-sacrificing manner are: If you and your spouse do not have kids together, then you could pop popcorn on a rainy day and watch a movie that your spouse would enjoy, do Saturday morning choirs together, and make dinner together. If you and your spouse do have kids together, then you could go to the park and have fun together, share words of affirmation for each other and fun personal stories together throughout the day, play family fun games together, engage in family tickle sessions, and indulge in weekend vacations together in a place the whole family will enjoy.
These forms of self-sacrificing displays of love together will build the unity, bonding, friendship, trust, and respect for one another necessary in a healthy and functional family. The full-circle nature of family bonding ensures that “beautiful family” songs can be sung, for generations, as an enduring legacy of family love.
8 Ways to Fix an Unhappy Marriage
Marriage is not always a bed of roses. A perfect marriage doesn’t exist and it is normal to have those not so happy moments but what if there are more unhappy moments in your marriage than happy times? Is your marriage getting difficult and unhappy? All options and solutions must be exhausted before considering leaving an unhappy marriage. As long as there is love and respect in a marriage, it is best to do something and fix an unhappy marriage to avoid the pain of divorce.
Here are some helpful ways to fix an unhappy marriage.
Figure out the cause of unhappiness in your marriage. The best way to fix an unhappy marriage is to think back and pinpoint the time when your marriage started to become unhappy. What marriage issues causing the unhappiness? Do you and your spouse became too focused on your careers or other responsibilities that you eventually drifted apart? Is cheating or infidelity involved? Is financial or money problems causing the trouble in your relationship? Do you have a support network? Do you live away from your families and friends? Do you have children? If you don’t, are there issues preventing you from having children? It will be less challenging to fix an unhappy marriage when you know what you are dealing with. What were the big changes or the turning point that made a happy marriage unhappy? You and your spouse can work with the right solutions if you both know what’s causing the unhappiness in your relationship.
Talk to your spouse about the unhappiness in your marriage. Sometimes problems in the marriage became too big and unmanageable because couples refuse to face and talk about them. Talking with your spouse about your unhappy marriage doesn’t mean blaming your spouse for the absence of happiness in your relationship but it is the best way to bring out all the cards on the table and analyze what went wrong with your marriage. Express your needs clearly. If you need to spend more time with your spouse because you feel you are both drifting apart then say so. If you want to zest up the physical intimacy in your marriage then say so. It is also important to ask your partner’s needs and feelings about your marriage. Sometimes all it takes to fix an unhappy marriage is a heart-to-heart talk to finally understand why the marriage became lifeless and unhappy.
Consider couples therapy or counseling. Dealing with an unhappy marriage can be overwhelming and you may both find yourselves lost and confused. If you find it hard to resolve the unhappiness in your marriage on your own, seek professional help. It is best to consider couples therapy or counseling to address issues in your relationship and help you fix an unhappy marriage. Marriage is a complicated relationship and it best to exhaust all possible help and options before giving up on your marriage. There are many marriages who were able to survive with the help of couples therapy and counseling. Don’t wait too long to get help, it is best to seek professional help as soon as possible. Do not wait until your marriage becomes unrepairable.
Seek help from your support network. You may need the help of your support network to fix an unhappy marriage. Your support network may include couples who are close to you and your spouse, your trusted friends, your families or religious leaders/elders. Call in the people you trusted most and confide about your marital unhappiness. They are the people who care about you, your spouse’s and children’s well-being and they can give you sound advice. They can also help you get through this difficult stage in your marriage. Talking and confiding to people closest to you can help you feel that you are not alone. Everyone at some point has experienced unhappiness in their relationships and many people have overcome those situations and you can too.
Put less stress and pressure on your marriage. Do you expect to find all the happiness in your life in your marriage or through your spouse? That’s too much expectation and pressure to put on your spouse and your marriage. To fix an unhappy marriage, you may need to unburden or set your marriage free from too much expectations. Find happiness outside your marriage and bring those happiness inside your marriage. Do you have a hobby or sports you enjoy? Do you want to learn something new? Have separate hobbies or things that you want to do with your friends and different hobbies that you can do together with your spouse. Doing things separately sometimes, puts less pressure on the marriage and it gives you the opportunity to bring something new in your marriage that you can discuss or talk with your spouse. Doing things separately can help you both grow individually and doing things together brings your closer to each other.
Break the routine in your marriage life. Is your marriage getting boring and unhappy because things becomes a routine? The responsibilities of married life could make couples cold and less romantic. To fix an unhappy marriage, you have to break the routine to bring new meaning, new experiences and excitement in your relationship. Go on a couples retreat, vacation or adventure and make new memories. Start dating again and zest up the romance and intimacy in your marriage.
Remove divorce from the menu. To fix an unhappy marriage, it is best to remove divorce from the list of solutions because it is not an easy way out. Without divorce from the list, couples tend to work harder to save their marriage. Although you and your spouse are struggling with the issues in your marriage now, there are studies that couples who were able to stick it out, work on their marriage and decided to stay together end up happier than those couples who decided to divorce.
Be committed. To fix an unhappy marriage, you have to be committed. It takes a high level of dedication to revive a dull unhappy marriage. It is not impossible to fix an unhappy marriage but you will need to work hard and stay committed to achieve your goals. An unhappy marriage cannot be fixed overnight and you have to stay on your goal of fixing your marriage despite the hardships and you can only do that if you are committed. You might encounter failures and sometimes feel that you are making one step forward and two steps backwards but if you have a strong commitment that you want to save your marriage, there is a better chance that your marriage can be fixed. Many unhappy marriage became happy again because they stayed on the course of fixing their marriage. They stick it out and over time their marriage improved. Couples who went through hard times and survived became stronger and closer.
Marriage is a life-long commitment and there is no perfect marriage. An unhappy marriage now doesn’t mean that it will stay that way forever. The beautiful thing about marriage is that when couples fall out of love, things can get better again if they stick it out, work things together until they fall back in love again.
Marriage in Crisis? What You Can Do to Save Your Marriage Together
A Marriage in Crisis: Factors that Cause Relationship Devastation
It is common for many marriages to cease to be happy marriages. Perhaps, personal detachment has turned the relationship a married couple once had into a rivalry. These negative emotional, physical, and relational signs point to the fact that a marriage is in a crisis. Another possible indicator that a marriage is in a crisis would be that one or both of the marriage partners have asked for a divorce.
Heightened concern for the health of a marriage by one or both partners requires immediate resolution. It is crucial to prevent a marriage in crisis from becoming a broken marriage. The following tips are ways to overcome the problems that are behind the strain on a relationship.
Turn Embattled Bitterness into Trust and Forgiveness
A culmination of hurts, let downs, and emotional wounds — if left to continue unabated — can cause the trust upon which a marriage was founded to turn into possible betrayal, opposition, and lack of forgiveness. These negative blows to a relationship end up as feelings of embattled bitterness that tear apart a marriage relationship. A marriage plagued with the resentment resulting from this embattled bitterness will eventually turn such a relationship into a marriage in crisis mode.
If these damaging factors describe the factors that are hurting your marriage, then you can do these important steps to save your marriage. The process of turning an embattled and bitter relationship into a restored marriage requires open communication, counseling, and the solutions for each of the marriage problems to be put into action. These positive, marriage saving actions are the foundations of creating a marriage filled with trust, respect, and forgiveness. They can help create a marriage peace agreement with the potential to save and strengthen your marriage. Use the following tips to help both of you create trust and forgiveness in your marriage.
Admit that Each has Done His or Her Part to Hurt the Other Person
Saving your marriage together takes cooperation in repairing marital problems. Additionally, it takes fast action to change the way that each of you relates to the other. If each of you feels personally “wronged”, then agreeing to talk together openly and honestly is crucial. As such, the two of you could have effective peace talks to help save the marriage. Bitter enemies through effective peace making can become trusted allies.
Effective peace making requires open honesty and willingness to respect each other. It is difficult to admit to one’s share of the problems in the marriage. But, both of you need to honestly admit to the selfish and hurtful things that you both have done to the other spouse. Doing so will establish an environment of honesty, vulnerability, and trust. This positive environment is necessary for marriage restoration. Also, effective peace making requires willingness by both parties to understand the desires and limitations of the other party. Follow these measures, because they are necessary in order that a possible satisfactory compromise be achieved in your marriage.
Make a Marriage Problem and Solution List Together
In order to make your time communicating together affective and constructive, work together to create a full list of the problems and mutually agreed upon solutions to those problems. Next, agree together that you are going to do these things to make your marriage better. Also, take time to list the positive and enjoyable aspects of your relationship as a motivating factor for continuing the marriage together.
Seek Objective and Unbiased Outside Help
If you cannot resolve the problems in your marriage together, it is advisable to share the discussion of how to solve your problems with an objective, unbiased third-party mediator. The third-party mediator may be a clergyman or a close mutual friend, whom both of you will respect and trust. Also, a professional marriage counselor can help you navigate this negotiation and marriage restoration process. These various types of counselors can help you come to terms with the realities of your situation. Furthermore, he or she can bring about positive change in the relationship.
Many seemingly insurmountable marital relationship troubles, hurts, and resentments that make up a marriage in crisis can be effectively fixed. These negative factors can be turned around to become the basis of new trust and marriage success. Married couples who work together to identify those things that cause resentment and discord in the relationship can better be able to forgive each other. Forgiveness coupled with following the problem resolution guidelines in this article may be the recipe that can save your marriage in crisis.
An Unhappy Marriage – 8 Helpful Tips to Make it Happier
Married and feeling desperate, disappointed, discouraged and unhappy is not what most couples signed up for when they said “I do”. Married and dealing with infidelity, loneliness, low self-esteem, lack of communication, disrespect and unhappiness is definitely not what was expected with your marriage commitment. Well, statistics show that over 50% of the marriages today end up in divorce. I can give you 2 reasons (in my humble opinion) why there is unhappiness in most of the marriages that end up in divorce. Selfishness and lack of love!
In a broad sense there are some common problems in a marriage that take the marriage from a blissful relationship to that unhappy marriage stage such as;
- Abuse (Physical and Emotional)
- Commitment by one or both spouses
All of the above issues can lead to an unhappy marriage. If you have been married for a little while (it doesn’t take long) you probably stumbled upon one of these issues. You may not have become unhappy with your marriage but a brief flash of “oh no what did I get myself into” probably popped into your head. If you haven’t hit one of these marriage hurdles yet, trust me you will.
Let’s deal with the selfishness that ignites a lot of the fires in a marriage and turns them from happy to an unhappy marriage.
Here is the definition of selfish just for the record; devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
A very selfish person is very difficult to either be happy in a marriage or make a spouse happy, unless they change and become less selfish during the marriage. Marriage is a commitment between 2 people being joined together as one. It’s no longer my stuff and your stuff, or my time and your time or my money and your money. Everything is now “ours” once you get married. A very selfish person is unwilling to put their spouses’ interests, benefits, and welfare first. This can lead to an unhappy marriage.
Can an unselfish person be responsible for making the marriage unhappy? The answer of course is yes. However, I believe you have a much greater chance of having a happy marriage instead of an unhappy marriage because an unselfish person is more likely to grow together with their unselfish spouse and become like one.
To make a marriage become better and go from being an unhappy marriage to a happy marriage we need to get the selfish spouse(s) to see how putting their interests ahead of the spouse or in some cases the entire family is causing frustration, hurt, disappointment and could lead to unintended results, such as a divorce.
Now let’s tackle the love or lack of love that makes a marriage unhappy.
Here is the Webster definition of love; a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
Here is a better definition that I like and if it exists in a marriage there is a greater chance for happiness instead of an unhappy marriage; Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. That’s the real meaning of love according to the Bible. I don’t think you can have an unhappy marriage with this kind of love.
Does it mean that if you love your spouse with this kind of love you will never have issues to overcome in your marriage? Of course not! However, do you think you have a better shot of having a happy or unhappy marriage?
So the key to being happy or working towards fixing an unhappy marriage is less selfishness and more love. Sounds pretty simple but is very difficult to do. It’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks right? WRONG!
Every person is capable of change. It’s called making a commitment to doing so and following through. If you want to stop smoking you can. If you want to stop drinking too much alcohol you can. If you want to stop gaining weight you can. If you want to be happier in your marriage you can. The only difference is sometimes it takes both spouses to be willing to change for the sake of making an unhappy marriage better.
Here are 8 basic things or tips you can work on to move from the unhappy marriage stage to the happy stage of marriage. If you and your spouse can work toward the same goal, that would be best. If not, you make a commitment to make things better and your spouse will come around eventually.
- Fighting fair – Don’t bring up things from the past that were supposed to be forgiven and forgotten. It’s like pouring salt on an open wound. Don’t say hurtful things about your spouse that you know will cause a lot of pain, and add to unhappiness in the marriage.
- Stop sweating the small stuff – Make it a point to stop getting aggravated, frustrated and disappointed over little things that really aren’t that important. Overlook the little things that you normally complain about that gets under your skin. You know what they are.
- Enjoy being around your spouse – Don’t disappear when your spouse comes home or when they enter the room your in. Stop acting like you enjoy life more when they are out of the house, out of town or at least not in the same room as you. Let your spouse know that you enjoy it when you are together.
- Don’t talk negative about your spouse to others – It’s very easy to share what’s wrong with your spouse that’s driving you crazy. Stop doing that immediately. No spouse likes to be talked about in that way. It’s not okay to make jokes about your spouse around family or friends that betrays a trust. If you don’t have anything positive to say don’t say anything.
- Talk to your spouse – It’s not okay to go hours or days playing the silent I’m not talking to you game. There is nothing gained by shutting down and not talking to your spouse. It’s difficult at times but the only time you should not be talking is if for some reason you are really upset and need a little time to cool off. Otherwise, keep the lines of communication open. I know not talking times gives you peace of mind. But don’t settle for a temporary time of peace when you could work on fixing your unhappy marriage problem.
- Act like a married couple – Don’t take separate cars to the same place unless it’s really necessary. That’s what you did before you got married. No separate vacations, or bedrooms. You need to be committed to being a couple and not married singles.
- Don’t take advice from the wrong people – There will be many family, friends and enemies who will offer you free advice. Be careful who you talk to and more importantly who you listen to. It’s very difficult for a spouse to be happy in a marriage knowing that you have blabbed your marriage problems to the world. You also don’t want to follow advice from someone who has been married 3 times. It’s better to limit the circle of people you discuss your marriage with and you also don’t always need to share all the details. The wrong people can’t tell you how to fix your unhappy marriage problem
- Support your spouse – Make sure you are there for your spouse even though you don’t want to be. If there is a family function with your in-laws don’t stay home. Be there for your spouse. The same thing goes for work or even playful functions like a sporting event. It’s important for your spouse to know that you care enough to be with them even though they know you don’t want to be around certain people. It shows that they mean more to you than your feelings about other people.